These actual courtroom testimonies were recorded by court reporters who probably had to work while trying keep a straight face.
Rules are Rules
Judge: You may call your next witness.
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat [opposing counsel] on the head with his client’s deposition.
Judge: You mean read it?
Defense Attorney: No, Sir. I mean to swat him on the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition “for any purpose” and that’s the purpose I want to use it for.
Judge: Well, it does say that.
Judge: There being no objection, you may proceed.
Defense Attorney: Thank you, Judge.
(Thereafter, Defendant’s attorney swatted plaintiff’s attorney on the head with the deposition)
Plaintiff’s Attorney (the victim): But Judge …
Judge: Next witness.
Plaintiff’s Attorney: … We object.
Judge: Sustained. Next witness.
By All Means, Proceed
Attorney: When he went — had you gone — and had she — if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go — gone also — would he have brought you — meaning you and she — with him to the station?
Opposing Counsel: Objection your Honor! That question ought to be taken out and shot.
I Rest My Case
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (addressing the public denfender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
He Was Obviously Under Misguided Orders
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, “Where am I Cheryl?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Kathy.
Defense Would Like to Call … David Bowie.
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo or the occult?
Witness: We both do.
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes. Voodoo.
At Least it Wasn’t in “Lovebug”
Attorney: But if the discount wasn’t on the sales order form or the invoice or the monthly print-out where would it be?
Witness: In Kansas … along with Dorothy and Toto.
Yes, Yes, of Course
Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.
I Was Just Following Directions.
Attorney: Remember, all your responses must be oral, OK? Now, what school do you go to?
Attorney: How old are you?
The Hokey-Pokey, Sir
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.